year of the rowan
today is 12/31/2024. six years ago i posted a music project called '
without judgement'.
frequently when working on something, one has to say "that's good enough" and move on. this project was an exercise of not even making that judgement call. no thinking if something was good or bad. just do it. as of today, i am still proud of that project for what it is and how honest it is.
a lot has happened since then. finished college, covid happened, went through the longest relationship of my life. i became a very anxious person, afraid of people and myself. i've been afraid of making any sort of judgement at all. i've been afraid of having opinions, i've written 4 other blogs this year and i don't think any of them will be seen by anyone but me. all of that writing ended up being very overly critical or negative, it put some things into perspective for me.
as some kind of new year's resolution, let me make a judgement call, this year has been exceptional. this year was good. this was the year of the rowan.
i posted my
first music project since 2018. i got back into
speedrunning and improved some very old pbs. i finally started dyeing my hair. i cut my hair short again. i got engaged. i went vegan. i worked harder at my job than any year previous. i went to a bunch of shows and
raves and events. i made some new friends, and caught up with some old ones.
i started embracing what makes me, me. i started looking back on the past versions of me fondly. i started holding the people i love close and without fear or dependence. i'm allowing myself to be guided by what i want in the world instead of everything that can go wrong with me in it. i'm letting myself exist as a flawed thing and realizing all of the good it can bring.
'without judgement' was made in a stressful, lonely time and with an unhealthy mind. my most recent project, 'georgina' was made in some reflective downtime surrounded by good company. both were made as a form of creative self-therapy, allowing myself to be a kid and explore what feels right in the moment, but this past year and a half i've been nurturing the parts of myself i usually critique instead of running from them.
thank you to everyone that's encouraged me, directly or indirectly, this past year. i would like to continue figuring out what it means to be me. i have my fears but for the first time in a while i am hopeful and looking forward to whatever comes next. thank you for reading my first blog post.
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